


(i want you to) stay

by cherryjaem



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: 2019 fic project: june, Angst, Gen, han jisung-centric, jisung is going through dark time, negative/depressing thoughts and emotions, please read author's note before proceeding, prompt: hurt and comfort, skz 00line, this fic is more hurt than comfort..., tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-26
Updated: 2019-06-26
Packaged: 2020-05-19 19:54:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19363240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherryjaem/pseuds/cherryjaem
Summary: “I know,” Jisung sobs. Jisung knows, and yet it’s easy to forget that sometimes, easy to believe that they don’t love him, that he is alone, that it's better for him to go. Sometimes, it’s easier to believe the voices in his head than the ones beside him.





	(i want you to) stay

**Author's Note:**

> tw: Jisung is going through a bad day/dark time in this fic, dealing with negative/depressing thoughts and emotions. If you're not comfortable with that, please don't read ;_; I love you guys and jisung so much and i'm sorry for projecting all of this on him. please take care ❤

As soon as Jisung wakes up that morning, he knows the day is going to be a bad day.

 

It’s nothing surprising, though- Sundays are always like that. His thoughts easily fall to the darkest pit of his mind, his energy drained even though he hasn’t done anything to be depleted of the said energy. So Jisung ends up staying in bed, no mind and energy to get up, get showered and dressed. He watches the time moves slow, watches as the day passes by, watches as the sun sets and the darkness bleeds from his mind and into the whole room.

 

Jisung has half a mind to call one of his friends when he picks up the phone from the nightstand for the first time that day, but deemed himself a bother and a burden so he throws the thought far away. He absentmindedly scrolls down the feed of his social media accounts, not really reading or seeing anything.

 

The only source of light in the room comes from the screen on the phone Jisung is holding, the room silent except for the sound of his breathing and the thoughts continuously spinning in his head. His thumb hovers over the screen as he contemplates, watching the light slowly dims into inactive mode and darkness consumes the whole room. His breath is shaky when he thumbs the screen, bringing back the light and before he cowers again, Jisung quickly types on the keypad and presses search. His guts churned seeing the results page, making him throw his phone to the other side of the mattress and recoiling into himself, feeling small and vulnerable, and scared of himself as well as the thoughts in his head more than the world around him.

 

“Breathe,” he whispers to himself, but instead he feels the panic rising. Jisung knows things will get better, knows he’ll be okay but the journey to get there takes too much time. No matter how many times he’d experienced this before, it never gets easier to deal with. He hates how easy it is for him to fall into the darkness, how easy it is to want to give up, how easy it is for the depression to poison his mind. The feeling of hopelessness and emptiness eating at his insides, voices messing with his head, tears threatening to fall from his eyes and body shaking so much Jisung fears he’s going to fall apart (judging by the number of times Jisung had experienced this, he’s surprise he hasn’t already). Days like this are hard, when the urges are stronger, when the thoughts of ending it all are more tempting than it normally does but Jisung tells himself to breathe, tells himself that this too shall pass, so please, please, _please_ don’t give in, just hold on a little longer, a little tighter.

 

Tears pricked at the back of Jisung’s eyes, and he lets them trickle down his cheeks when he shuts them tight. Jisung whimpers when his phone makes a sound indicating that there’s an incoming call, but he doesn’t move to pick it up.  The call ends couple of minutes later, only to ring again, so Jisung musters all his strength to sit up and get the phone into his hand, taking deep breaths in and out before answering the call.

 

“What are you up to?” is what Seungmin says on the other end of the line. No hellos or heys. His voice sounds calm but Jisung detects a tinge of worry in it, a tinge of fear.

 

“Nothing much,” Jisung answers, his own voice rough from disuse. It’s almost funny how Seungmin always seem to _know_ , and that thought makes Jisung smile a little.

 

“Okay. So I was getting something for my mom from the bakery and saw your favorite cheesecake. I’m dropping by in a bit with Hyunjin and Felix. Is that okay?”

 

Jisung snorts at his best friend trying to be smooth, but he doesn’t question why Hyunjin and Felix had tagged along with him to the bakery to get something for Seungmin’s mom when they don’t even live in the same neighborhood, because he already knew it was a lie. Still, Jisung appreciates it- appreciates his friends making effort to accompany him and to try comforting him. Jisung feels a spark of shame for not having more faith in his friends, for not trusting them to want to help him earlier. “Yeah,” he manages a watery laugh. “It’s okay. I’d love that, actually.”

 

Seungmin doesn’t answer for 5 solid seconds, and then “Okay. we’ll be there real soon.”

 

“See you soon then.”

 

“Jisung?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“It’s going to be okay.” Jisung feels the tears gathering in his eyes again at this. “See you soon.”

 

As soon as they end the call, Jisung cries into his hands. It couldn’t have been more than 3 minutes after he ended the call with Seungmin when he hears someone pressing the code to the door of his small apartment. He quickly understands though. Of course his friends were already in front of the building where Jisung lives when Seungmin called him a few minutes ago.

 

Jisung doesn’t get up to greet his friends, doesn’t bother to stop crying and wipe his tears. Footsteps quickly rush towards the bed where Jisung is and soon enough he feels arms around him, enveloping him in a comforting and protective hug which only makes Jisung cry harder.

 

“It’s okay.” It’s Hyunjin. “We’re always here for you. You’re going to be okay.”

 

“We love you.” And that’s Felix. “We love you so much, Jisung. Please don’t ever forget that. You’re not alone.”

 

“I know,” Jisung sobs. Jisung _knows_ , and yet it’s easy to forget that sometimes, easy to believe that they don’t love him, that he _is_ alone, that it's better for him to go. Sometimes, it’s easier to believe the voices in his head than the ones beside him. “I love you guys, too.”

 

“Then, you’ll stay with us, yeah?” Seungmin says, his thumb (or maybe Hyunjin’s or Felix’s, Jisung can’t tell) rubbing comforting circles on Jisung’s nape. “If you need us, you’ll tell us immediately? And you’ll let us take care of you?”

 

Jisung doesn’t give immediate response. They’ve had this conversation way too many times before. It’s when they tighten their arms around him that Jisung eventually nods. Then he cries again. His friends don’t stop him, don’t judge him. They don’t ask what’s wrong because they know what Jisung is going through right now, his thoughts and feelings are not easy to explain with words. Instead they let him cry and even cry with him at some point, whispering comforting and encouraging words to him.

 

Perhaps, things won’t miraculously, immediately be okay. Perhaps, tomorrow will be a better day. Perhaps, he won’t feel so well again the day after, or next week, or next month- there’s no telling for sure. But Jisung tells himself to remember- to _try_ harder to remember he doesn’t have to go through any of these alone, that he has friends that genuinely love and care for him, that he’d never ever want to make them sad. Said friends are holding him so carefully, yet firmly, like they never want to let him go, and Jisung _doesn’t want_ them to so he hangs on to them just as tightly.

 

Perhaps, Jisung will be fine someday, but if he doesn’t, that’s okay too, because his friends would never love him any less. They will continue being there for him, and for that Jisung will stay for them.


End file.
